Soundtrack: Piece of My Heart---Janis Joplin
Joanie realized she was fumbling with the words, so she paused and sipped her now cold, but flavorful tea. She became dimly aware of Janis Joplin singing in the background, but the words rushing through her brain now weren't the words of her song; they were Joanie’s words, her thoughts and feelings about Jake and her and, as she realized this, she felt a rush of energy that seemed to go straight to her mouth, causing her to speak much faster than she had been. The words began to tumble out as though they had a life of their own."See, I met Jake my freshman year. He had just quit the football team. It was a big deal, him being this really hot player and all. Well, I don't know anything about football, but I do know something about men's bodies and the first time I saw Jake… I think it was at a party… I said to myself: Now that cat's got a body!" Joanie laughed, giddily at hearing these words, as if it were someone else who'd said them.
Annie smiled ever so slightly in reaction to Joanie's laughter, but didn't laugh herself. Instead, she asked bluntly, "What's funny, Joanie?"
By now, Joanie definitely had the giggles, and she barely heard Annie's query. "Oh, I don't know. It's just that I kinda' sound like a guy."
At this thought, she lowered her chin and, eyes twinkling, spoke in a mock deep-voice, "Great bod, baby!"
Then, shifting back to her own, now excited voice, she continued at top speed, "You know, it's like we're in a boy's locker room, changing after a game, and I'm bragging to you about this really hot chick I'm balling." She laughed again, "Know what I mean?"
But Annie wasn't laughing or even smiling now. Her face had turned serious and she asked, "Is that the way you feel? Like you're bragging about a sexual exploit?"
This question and the seriousness in Annie's demeanor took Joanie aback. Her smile quickly faded and her eyes left Annie's face, once again staring at the floor. Her jocose mood was shattered. "No! Well... I don't know. Maybe. I don't really know... I mean that's the thing... I don't really know what I think about my relationship with Jake... uh… you know, the whole thing seems really fucked up to me."
Annie nodded at this, as if to agree, but said nothing. Joanie took this as a signal that she should continue. "See, 'til tonight, I hadn't really seen much of Jake all semester... and I haven't slept with him since the start of the term. I don't know why exactly. I was too busy or he was too busy or...?" Joanie stopped and began to bite at her nails furiously.
Annie reached over and removed Joanie's hand from her mouth. She held it and looking into Joanie's now troubled face, asked simply, but kindly "Or...?"
Joanie glanced down at her hand, now held firmly by Annie. Then she looked up into Annie's serious face. "Well. I guess the truth is I don't want to see him. I think our relationship is over. And.… I guess the real truth is: I'm not sure it was ever much of a relationship. I mean, we used to screw a lot, sure. And we went to parties and the movies and hung out and all, but I don't really know why. We were so different from one another and.… well, I don't know about him, but I... I, uh..."
Annie had been listening intently and had relaxed her grip on Joanie's hand. Yet, their hands were still in contact. Only now, it was more like they were each holding the other's hand. Annie asked very quietly, almost in a whisper, "Something hard for you to say?"
Joanie sucked in her breath and then slowly, but steadily she began to reveal what she was only dimly aware of herself. As she spoke, she felt an emotional and physical relief. "Yeah... real hard. Well, what I was thinking was that I... I think maybe I never really enjoyed sex with Jake. I know that probably sounds weird. I mean, we're talking about balling one of the biggest studs on campus, supposedly, but really, there was always something empty about our sex, like it was just mechanical fucking. At least I felt that way. I really don't know what he felt."
Annie seemed totally tuned into Joanie's wavelength, like she already knew all about what Joanie was telling her. Annie asked, again very gently, "Did you ever talk about that with Jake?"
Joanie was shocked by the question. "God, no! I mean, how would you do that? 'Uh, Jake? How was it for you? It sucked for me!' " She laughed sardonically.
Annie allowed herself a small laugh, but then turned serious again. "Well. There might have been other ways to talk about it with him, doncha’ think?"
Joanie was beginning to recognize how seriously Annie was approaching this whole issue and she realized that her own laughter was a cover for how serious it really was…for her. Looking down, she became aware that she was squeezing Annie's hand. It felt good to be doing so, but her self-consciousness about it caused her to let go and reach for her teacup instead. She took a sip and thought about Annie's question. It was a fair one, but.…
Joanie's thoughts became words. "I suppose I could have talked to him about it, but you don't know Jake. He's kind of remote, you know unapproachable... about a lot of things... really most things. I mean... you don't really know him, do you?"
Annie smiled slightly. "No. No, I don't. Not really, anyway. I mean, I see him at parties and I sort of feel like I know him a little because you and I are friends and also, you know, I'm real good friends with his buddy, Stephen, but I guess really... well, you know, he's kinda’ become almost a mythic figure in U-Town these past few years, sorta’ larger than life... so I'm not sure what I know about him. I mean, even as you were talking about your relationship, it almost startled me to hear you, a real flesh and blood person who I know pretty well, sitting across from me, speaking about being his old lady. I mean, it's like having someone say, 'Well, the other day the Dalai Lama and I were watching TV, and....' Know what I mean?"
Joanie listened, fascinated by Annie's rambling. This was a side of her she'd never seen before. It was almost as if Annie were in awe of Jake. "Yeah, I guess so," Joanie ventured, adding quickly with a broad smile and a salacious wink, "But, I can assure you that Jake is all flesh and blood, himself!"
This comment appeared to startle Annie, turning her thoughtful. "Hmmm, what do you mean by that, exactly?"
Now Joanie was embarrassed by her foolish braggadocio. She apologized, "I don't know. I guess I was just being silly. It's just that what you said sounded so absurd... I mean like funny absurd... Jake as the Dalai Lama? That's funny. Really, it is. Jake's just a guy, no different from lots of guys. All this mythic figure stuff about him is really a lot of crap. Believe me. I know him. I've known him for years now. He's just a guy. A weird guy, maybe, but just a guy, nonetheless."
Annie smiled at Joanie's insistence. "Well! OK! I'm prepared to accept Jake as just a guy, as you say, although I confess that I wonder what you mean by that."
That question really shook Joanie. What had she meant by saying Jake was just a regular guy? And why was she being so insistent about it? Once again, she stared down at the floor. Hesitating before speaking, she glanced over at Annie, but then, as the words slowly trickled out, she looked everywhere in the room, but into Annie's face. "Well, I guess that's it. I mean, that's what I wanted to talk to you about: Jake's and my relationship. I mean... If I do, you might see what I mean about him... or maybe you won't... maybe I'll..."
Links
Janis Joplin
Go to the next scene in Joanie's story
New Year's Eve 1968: Joanie, Scene 9 "Sounds of Pleasure"
Go to the previous scene in Joanie's story
New Year's Eve 1968: Joanie, Scene 7 "Tea and Empathy"
Go to a related story
New Year's Eve 1968: Jake, Scene 4 "Joanie, the Love of His Life"
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