New Year's Eve 1968: Joanie, Scene 7 "Tea and Empathy"

Joanie's thoughts were interrupted by the tea kettle whistling. She turned away and walked quickly to the hot plate where the water was boiling. Bunching a bit of her skirt material in her left hand, she grasped the hot kettle handle and poured the water into the teapot. She set it on the table amidst piles of dishes, books, school papers, unopened mail, records, and other miscellany of her college life.

Soundtrack: Suite: Judy Blue Eyes---Crosby, Stills, Nash

"Let's let it steep a bit," Joanie explained, as she walked slowly back over to near where Annie was sitting on the floor and, pushing her dirty clothes off the worn and faded plush chair, she sat.

"Hey," Annie said, looking up at her. "Why don't you sit down here... by me?" She gestured to the floor next to her.

Joanie hesitated; she felt listless and, once again, suspicious. She remained standing, her eyes lowered, and began to speak, as though talking to the floor. "Well... I... uh... I..."

Annie stared up at Joanie intently, trying to catch her eye. "Joanie, can you at least just look at me when you speak to me? Here! In the face." She smiled.

Joanie glanced down at Annie momentarily, but averted her gaze as soon as she began to speak. "Well... I... it's very hard for me to... to..."

Annie interrupted, again trying to catch Joanie's eye "...to look me in the eyes? To sit down next to me? Why's that do you think?"

Where'd that question come from? Joanie thought, raising her eyes angrily from the floor and glaring at Annie briefly. "Jeez, Annie. You're not my shrink you know!" she exclaimed, petulantly, and then again quickly averted her gaze.

That outburst startled Annie who, for the first time that night, seemed to lose her equanimity, "Well, I never thought I was! It's just kinda' weird, you know, sitting down here and you standing there talking to the floor. You know, I was just wondering what you thought that might be all about. Seemed like a reasonable enough thing to ask."

From Annie's response, Joanie realized that she'd overreacted to her friend’s question and she became concerned that she'd truly offended her. She had to try to calm herself, to get over this anxiety she was feeling about... yeah, what was it about? Was she still nervous about Annie coming on to her or was it something else? She groped for some sort of self-awareness, at the same time realizing that she also owed Annie an explanation.

Joanie knew she couldn't remain standing over Annie like this indefinitely, so with great force of will she knelt down across from her. Slowly, she sat back on her heels, spine upright, and stared in the general direction of Annie's eager face. It was an enormous struggle for her to do so, but not as hard as it was to get out the words.

"It's just that I'm not used to talking about myself to others... I mean... I feel self-conscious... like I don't want you to see me... uh... you know... to see what's inside me." She took a deep breath, this short speech having required a tremendous effort on her part.

Annie looked at Joanie and chuckled quietly, knowingly, and then, adopting a parody of a Viennese accent and stroking her chin as if she had a Freudian beard, she joked, "Ahh... zo you beleef zat I haf zee ability to zee into your zykie sroo your eyes?"

For some reason this, too, annoyed Joanie and despite her determination to make up for her earlier petulance, her back stiffened even more, as she once again snapped at Annie, "No! Of course not... I meant that metaphorically." She paused, tears came to her eyes, and her voice caught in her throat, " You know... that you'll be able to tell what I'm feeling by the expression on my face... uhhh..."

Annie turned serious when she saw the tears. She reached out her hand and, despite Joanie's flinch, touched her wet cheek and apologized sincerely, "I'm sorry, Joanie. I was just trying to get you to lighten up a little." She paused and then asked gently, "So, you really don't want me to know what you're feeling? Is that right?"

Joanie realized, now, the absurdity of her own prior statement, but she was really grasping at straws, trying to understand her own sense of panic and confusion. "Well... no; that's not it. I do want you to know what I'm feeling. It's just that... that the things that are bothering me are so new that I just don't have a handle on them. I don't know how to talk about them. And it's all confused by... uh... by what happened earlier, you know, at the party... uh… between us. You know what I mean?

Annie was smiling again, but in a totally empathetic way. She seemed to be carefully considering Joanie's most recent statement. "Well, yes. I think I know what you mean. At least part of it, I guess, is that you figure that if you're able to talk to me about your feelings, you might understand them better, but right now you're so confused that you don't even know how to begin. Is that right?"

Joanie felt relieved. That seemed about right. She shifted her weight off her knees and, constrained by her long straight skirt, she folded her legs awkwardly before her in a poor imitation of Annie's apparently natural yoga position.

"Yes! Exactly. I mean... I think that's it. Uh... plus some of the feelings are about sex and sexuality, and I guess I'm not totally clear about where I stand... or where you stand... I mean can I trust you to help me or will you be looking out for yourself? I... I know that's not a nice thing to say, but I'm trying to be honest. Annie, I guess the truth is that I'm scared." Having said that, Joanie immediately began to feel better and clearer, although she felt physically uncomfortable, as she'd gotten her skirt all tangled up in her folded knees.

Annie, too, seemed clearer. She picked up one of Joanie's hands in hers and again looked her straight in the eye, "Yes. I'm sure you are scared. That's only natural and it's even natural that you'd be suspicious of my motives. That's cool with me. Let's just feel our way through this, OK? All I can say is that no matter what happens or doesn't happen between us, sexually, I love you as a friend and a sister and that's foremost in my mind. Right now, I'm here to help you in any way I can, not to make you. Listen, babe, none of us really likes to look inside ourselves. We're all quite frightened of what we suspect lies hidden deep within us. And yet... you seem to realize that in order to work out whatever problems you have you've got to investigate those inner spaces. And, it sounds like you'd like my help in your investigation... even if I'm not a shrink, as you so rightly said."

Joanie felt a surge of warmth and hope flow through her body. She began to speak more clearly, less haltingly, although still barely meeting Annie's gaze. "Yes! Yes, I would. I'm really confused about a number of things and I feel that if I don't clear these up, if I don't figure out what's going on with me, I may screw up my life something awful. I guess that's what scares me, really. I mean... I just have this one life and I..."

Annie nodded her head gently, somberly now, as if that last thought had struck pretty close to home. "Yeah. I know what you mean. One life."

Joanie's eyes continued to avoid Annie's. They roamed the room, falling at last on the teapot, "Shit! I forgot all about the tea. I'm sure it's steeped plenty. It may even be too cold now. Wanna’ try some?" She was standing again.

Annie smiled up at her. "Sure. Let's have some tea and then why don't we just talk about whatever you feel comfortable with talking about. It doesn't have to be heavy."

Joanie quickly crossed the room, back to the teapot and poured out two cups of yellowish, tepid-looking tea. "Shit! I was afraid I let it sit too long!"

"S'O.K. I don't mind. As long as it's got some flavor, I'm fine with it."

Joanie carried the two cups precariously over to where Annie was sitting. As she bent down to hand Annie hers, she was conscious of Annie's eyes, looking down her blouse at her small, freely hanging breasts. Alarmed at first, she shot Annie an angry look, but, as she did so, she dimly recognized the emotion playing across Annie's face. It was one that Joanie rarely encountered: tenderness. Annie's eyes were soft and kind, as they appeared to caress Joanie's naked breasts. A shiver traveled up Joanie's spine. Her face warmed. Her eyes moistened. All her suspicions of Annie's motives melted away, replaced by a mix of gratitude, affection, and... yes, she had to admit it to herself... sexual arousal. As difficult as it was to acknowledge these sexual feelings, even if only to herself, doing so afforded Joanie a measure of relief that she felt flow throughout her previously rigid body. She just plain relaxed and, as she did so, she found herself slowly sitting down... on the floor... next to Annie... looking into her quietly smiling face... speaking, tentatively at first about what had been plaguing her for months now: her relationship with Jake.

Links
Crosby, Stills, Nash

Go to the next scene in Joanie's story
New Year's Eve 1968: Joanie, Scene 8 "Jake, Just a Regular Guy"

Go to the previous scene in Joanie's story
New Year's Eve 1968: Joanie, Scene 6 "Blow Job Artist"